The Eck Factor

Why do hobbits hate David Eckstein? Whats not to love about a guy who plays bigger than his 5′6″ 170 lb body? Oh yeah, now I remember it’s because he is referred to as scrappy. Being called scrappy in Hobbitville is like being called a conservative in San Fransisco, its the kiss of death. I guess they like to ignore the fact that he is an above average shortstop with TWO World Series rings. His batting average and OBP (a hobbit favorite) are well above league average; .285/.350 vs .268/.336, so what gives Papa Warp?

Must be some made up, computer generated stat like OPS+ that is inflaming the masses. Really guys go outside and get some sunshine (put on sunscreen though because your fair skin will burn easily). Eck is a great SS and its no accident that THREE teams have wanted him as their starter. I wonder how many hobbits have actually watched Eck play? Probably just one, Papa Warp. Enough said.

The moneyball curse

Hobbits love stats, They particularly love a stat called OPS, in fact one hobbit loved OPS so much that he legally married it. Now get this, OPS is just two stats added together (OBP and SLG). Wow what a bunch of freaking geniuses. And although it is supposed to be the premier stat when judging a hitter it actually tells you nothing. Observe:

Hitter A: .850 OPS

Hitter B: .850 OPS

Identical hitters? Well no because hitter A has a .325 OBP and a .525 SLG while hitter B has a .400 OBP and a .450 SLG. Two very different players but yet this one stat lumps them together. Now the prevailing logic in Hobbitville is that hitter B is better because of his .400 OBP even if hitter A has more power.

OBP

They love on base percentage, in fact I think that sabermetrics should be called saberotica because I imagine that hobbits everywhere have a collective orgasm every time Kevin Youkilis draws a walk. I bet they grab the motion lotion and a kleenex and head for their parents restroom and scream out BALL FOUR as they climax. They also love base cloggers, you know guys who cant particularly hit that well and are very slow. These guys cant go first to third on a single or first to home on a double and they hold up faster runners but hey that walk was pretty sweet though. They dislike batting average for reasons I still don’t get but they like BABIP (batting average balls in play). Which leads us to:

Contradictions

They despise runs and RBI’s but adore home runs (geniuses, who doesn’t). But get this, a home run is worth a run and an rbi to a batter. So home run=good but run & rbi=bad. It’s all confusing and I’m sure they will invent another stat that they can’t explain like home run+ or something moronic along those lines.

WARP, VORP, & Captain Kirk

I’m telling you that some of these stats seem like characters from Star Trek, which I presume to be the official show of Hobbitville. I’m sure there is a statue of William Shatner outside of city hall (probably right next to the one of Papa Warp). WARP, VORP, OPS+, ERA+, eqa? If you ask one of these “guys” to explain what they mean well they just refer you to a website that doesnt really explain it either but tells you why its just the most wonderful stat in the world.

Hobbitville

Somewhere there is a town full of hobbits called Hobbitville, this used to be a quiet town where the residents always stayed indoors (hobbits hate sunlight) playing dungeons & dragons around the clock. But then one of these hobbits ventured out into the real world and somehow found himself running a major league baseball team. A book was written about his exploits and hobbits of all shapes and sizes came out of the woodwork. Bill James (Papa Warp), the mayor of Hobbitville, made a decree that new stats must be created and the old stats shall be thrown away. The hobbits worship Papa Warp with a cult-like reverence and every word he utters is treated as scripture. They view traditionalists as the enemy and they are ruining baseball. They must be stopped.